Meeting a MEATHEAD

Gyms get a lot of flack for being Meat Markets, and honestly I think its ridiculous. Some women just can't take a compliment. As a woman, after I get done being repulsed by the beefed up creepers who ogle me (and everyone else) at the gym, I often think "dang girl you lookin fine." Its an ego boost and I like it. No matter how creepy, stupid or ugly a guys is, his interest is at least a little bit flattering. Just because he still lives with his mom doesn't mean he can't appreciate beauty when he sees it.

Not to mention the prime cuts of grade A beef I've noticed for myself....

This being said, I've compiled a list of flattering comments my fellow gym members have used to brighten my day:

Hey baby, check out my balls of steel (while holding two kettle bells)

Dang girl, you just broke my heart rate monitor!

I had to use the elliptical today instead of the treadmill cause you made my knees so weak.


In the steam room: Stop breathing so hard. I know I'm hot but you're fogging up the room....Get it? Like if your breath was really the reason it--ok bye.

Uh oh. You've got some sweat in your cleavage. Let me give you a hand with that.

Can I buy you a protein shake?

I'm a personal trainer...........................No really, I am...........Just thought you should know.

All the weights are being used, could I just bench you? (no) Oh, ok. Wanna sit on my back while I do my pushups? (no) Ok, well maybe I could just pick you up and- (please don't touch me)

This sauna got even hotter when you walked in.

While he shows her his six pack: I've got six friends who think you should go out with me. Majority rules.

I hope you take Zumba, cause I can't wait to see what those hips can do.

Can I loan you my handkerchief to wipe away your sweat?

While she's doing bench presses: Oh honey, you've already got everything you need in that department.


Fat guy: I've got a lot of weight I'd like to lose, but you're 130 lbs I'd never let go of.

I'm going to let you feel my muscles, and if you're nice, I'll let you feel a part of me thats even harder...

I'd just like to eat you up, and I'm sure it'd be worth every calorie.

I'm feeling the burn in a few extra places today.

I'd be a dumb-bell if I didn't come talk to you.

I saw you behind me in the mirror while I was watching myself flex. You almost distracted me for a moment.

I couldn't have done half as many chinups if I hadn't been able to see down your shirt from the top.

You must be anaerobic cause you just took my breath away.



Ok fine I admit it, I made this up. I just wish guys would say this stuff to me. I guess I'm a little bit sad because I found out Grocery Boy has a girlfriend, and John Lindsey quit responding to my emails cause he thought I was crazy. Boys suck. That is all.

Grocery Boy

I have developed a new and unorthodox method for losing weight. I called it "crushing." It is simple and effective.  In one out of one case study the sole participant (me) experienced weight loss, increased energy, increased heart rate, and overall contentment and satisfaction after only one dose.

Try it yourself for free! Develop your own customized program by filling in the mad libs below:

Step 1. Develop a crush on the (person of the opposite gender) at the (place where healthy things happen).

Step 2. Return often to stalk  casually chat with the person you are in love and obsessed with interested in.

Simple and effective.

I have developed a crush on the checkout guy at the health food store. He is beautiful and we obviously share some similar interests (organic food anyone?). I knew he was perfect the moment he spoke to me. I was in the produce section looking for cilantro. It was right next to the parsley, and I was studying the two. I grabbed one and took a good whiff of its aroma when I heard his voice, hot and steamy on the back of my neck as he whispered, "parsleys on top, cilantro on bottom." I turned around, and locked eyes with the face behind the voice. Love may be going a bit overboard, but it was definitely infatuation at first sight. He was standing there all sexy and manly with this playful teasing look on his face...I automatically liked him. True to form with guys I like, rather than coming up with something witty or clever to say, I just stood there staring at him with an idiotic grin on my face. Eventually he became uncomfortable and left.

I at least mustered the courage to stand in his line to be checked out. I mean he was ringing up my groceries, not checking out my body (lets be honest, he probably did that too). He asked how I was doing and I responded with a grunt. Its hard to form words in his presence. I left and figured that would be the end of things.

The very next day I went to the grocery store at the very same time. He was there (what a coincidence). But thats not the best part...he remembered me!!! I wasn't sure he would (and partially hoped he didn't considering my first impression) but when I got to the checkout line he asked "No gym today?" (I had been wearing my gym clothes yesterday). "No" I said. Then I realized I needed to give him a bit more to go off of. "Not today." Crap! I failed again.  I am usually a great conversationalist but this guy is getting the best of me. I eventually pulled myself together and ended with a cool "Have a nice day."

Grocery Boy is awesome. He works at the health food store, so he must be health conscious. He is obviously smart as he know his herbs, and recognizes faces. And he's got an amazing personality from what I've seen so far which is admittedly very little. Plus he's beautiful.

I currently have ten heads of rotting lettuce in my refrigerator. I've been shopping at the health food store alot lately, and eating alot healthier has been a direct result. I wouldn't want Grocery Boy to see me stocking up on junk like gluten free ice cream and "Save the Rainforest" chocolate bars. Produce is my new best friend.

I encourage you all to start "crushing" immediately. Don't stop at the grocery store. Yoga classes, tennis courts, hiking trails, Weight Watchers meetings, and colon hydrotherapy clinics everywhere abound with crushing material.

Directions: Find a crush, and visit at least once daily.

Warning: Side effects may include heart palpitations, queasiness, loss of judgement, intense chest pains, profuse sweating, hallucinations and feelings of "flying," excessive giddiness, and blabbering like a drunken fool.

Caution: Do not drive or operate heavy machinery while under the influence of your crush.

Stay Fat!!!

In todays world of conflicting information, its hard to know who to believe. Exercise in the morning, exercise at night, no carb, yes carb, no fat, eat fat to lose fat! Its exhausting. So just in case you weren't confused enough already, I've decided to highlight some of the often overlooked benefits of staying fat:

• Insulation- This extra layer keeps you warm in winter, and extra warm in summer. Save money on coats, jackets, etc just by maintaining this extra layer. Extra helpful if you are homeless or live in Antarctica.
• Privacy- Looking less than your best is a great way to keep stalkers at bay. Need an extra boost? Try being mean as well.
• Less Clutter- Clean house=clean mind. Big Clothes take up more space in your closet, causing you to own less. Less clutter, and worthless belongings keep you in a peaceful state of mind.
• Super Human Powers- Your size comes with benefits that others cannot ignore. Make donuts, and pastries disappear in seconds! Flatten air mattresses with ease...the possibilities are endless.
• Inspire others- Losing races for being slow allows others to feel good about themselves when they are faster than you. You are making to difference in the world.
• Appearance is Everything- In impoverished countries such as Africa, being fat is a sign of wealth. Take a vacation to Africa and trick people into thinking you are rich as a king.
• Giant Cannonballs- You already have what it takes to become the envy of every ten year old boy at the pool.
• True Friends- Unless you are loaded, they definately like you for you.
• Preferential Treatment- If you are going anywhere fast, people move out of your way.
• Lower Crime Rate- Even if you are not strong, your large stature makes you intimidating to muggers, and unattractive to rapists...unless thats the rapists thing. Then you are a target.
• Amazing Child Rearing Capabilties-Studies show children magically behave better when they know their parent will sit on/smash them when they are naughty.
• Financial Earning Potential- Biggest Loser, eating contests, sumo wrestling, this niche competition market has some pretty sweet prizes.
• World Peace- If other countries have to stop hating Americans for being fat and lazy, they will eventually be forced to realize that they really only hate themselves. Then they may fall into depression, attempt suicide, and leave us alone with the chinese who outnumber us by alot.
• Mobile Food Storage- If a giant meteor strikes the earth tomorrow and kills all plants and animals, and everyone is too grossed out to resort to cannibalism, you will have enough "food storage" to become the last man standing (total world domination).

It is very clear to me that being fat is a valid life choice, and is good for society. What are your reasons to get skinny?