Grocery Boy

I have developed a new and unorthodox method for losing weight. I called it "crushing." It is simple and effective.  In one out of one case study the sole participant (me) experienced weight loss, increased energy, increased heart rate, and overall contentment and satisfaction after only one dose.

Try it yourself for free! Develop your own customized program by filling in the mad libs below:

Step 1. Develop a crush on the (person of the opposite gender) at the (place where healthy things happen).

Step 2. Return often to stalk  casually chat with the person you are in love and obsessed with interested in.

Simple and effective.

I have developed a crush on the checkout guy at the health food store. He is beautiful and we obviously share some similar interests (organic food anyone?). I knew he was perfect the moment he spoke to me. I was in the produce section looking for cilantro. It was right next to the parsley, and I was studying the two. I grabbed one and took a good whiff of its aroma when I heard his voice, hot and steamy on the back of my neck as he whispered, "parsleys on top, cilantro on bottom." I turned around, and locked eyes with the face behind the voice. Love may be going a bit overboard, but it was definitely infatuation at first sight. He was standing there all sexy and manly with this playful teasing look on his face...I automatically liked him. True to form with guys I like, rather than coming up with something witty or clever to say, I just stood there staring at him with an idiotic grin on my face. Eventually he became uncomfortable and left.

I at least mustered the courage to stand in his line to be checked out. I mean he was ringing up my groceries, not checking out my body (lets be honest, he probably did that too). He asked how I was doing and I responded with a grunt. Its hard to form words in his presence. I left and figured that would be the end of things.

The very next day I went to the grocery store at the very same time. He was there (what a coincidence). But thats not the best part...he remembered me!!! I wasn't sure he would (and partially hoped he didn't considering my first impression) but when I got to the checkout line he asked "No gym today?" (I had been wearing my gym clothes yesterday). "No" I said. Then I realized I needed to give him a bit more to go off of. "Not today." Crap! I failed again.  I am usually a great conversationalist but this guy is getting the best of me. I eventually pulled myself together and ended with a cool "Have a nice day."

Grocery Boy is awesome. He works at the health food store, so he must be health conscious. He is obviously smart as he know his herbs, and recognizes faces. And he's got an amazing personality from what I've seen so far which is admittedly very little. Plus he's beautiful.

I currently have ten heads of rotting lettuce in my refrigerator. I've been shopping at the health food store alot lately, and eating alot healthier has been a direct result. I wouldn't want Grocery Boy to see me stocking up on junk like gluten free ice cream and "Save the Rainforest" chocolate bars. Produce is my new best friend.

I encourage you all to start "crushing" immediately. Don't stop at the grocery store. Yoga classes, tennis courts, hiking trails, Weight Watchers meetings, and colon hydrotherapy clinics everywhere abound with crushing material.

Directions: Find a crush, and visit at least once daily.

Warning: Side effects may include heart palpitations, queasiness, loss of judgement, intense chest pains, profuse sweating, hallucinations and feelings of "flying," excessive giddiness, and blabbering like a drunken fool.

Caution: Do not drive or operate heavy machinery while under the influence of your crush.