Sunday, January 30, 2011

Grocery Boy

I have developed a new and unorthodox method for losing weight. I called it "crushing." It is simple and effective.  In one out of one case study the sole participant (me) experienced weight loss, increased energy, increased heart rate, and overall contentment and satisfaction after only one dose.

Try it yourself for free! Develop your own customized program by filling in the mad libs below:

Step 1. Develop a crush on the (person of the opposite gender) at the (place where healthy things happen).

Step 2. Return often to stalk  casually chat with the person you are in love and obsessed with interested in.

Simple and effective.

I have developed a crush on the checkout guy at the health food store. He is beautiful and we obviously share some similar interests (organic food anyone?). I knew he was perfect the moment he spoke to me. I was in the produce section looking for cilantro. It was right next to the parsley, and I was studying the two. I grabbed one and took a good whiff of its aroma when I heard his voice, hot and steamy on the back of my neck as he whispered, "parsleys on top, cilantro on bottom." I turned around, and locked eyes with the face behind the voice. Love may be going a bit overboard, but it was definitely infatuation at first sight. He was standing there all sexy and manly with this playful teasing look on his face...I automatically liked him. True to form with guys I like, rather than coming up with something witty or clever to say, I just stood there staring at him with an idiotic grin on my face. Eventually he became uncomfortable and left.

I at least mustered the courage to stand in his line to be checked out. I mean he was ringing up my groceries, not checking out my body (lets be honest, he probably did that too). He asked how I was doing and I responded with a grunt. Its hard to form words in his presence. I left and figured that would be the end of things.

The very next day I went to the grocery store at the very same time. He was there (what a coincidence). But thats not the best part...he remembered me!!! I wasn't sure he would (and partially hoped he didn't considering my first impression) but when I got to the checkout line he asked "No gym today?" (I had been wearing my gym clothes yesterday). "No" I said. Then I realized I needed to give him a bit more to go off of. "Not today." Crap! I failed again.  I am usually a great conversationalist but this guy is getting the best of me. I eventually pulled myself together and ended with a cool "Have a nice day."

Grocery Boy is awesome. He works at the health food store, so he must be health conscious. He is obviously smart as he know his herbs, and recognizes faces. And he's got an amazing personality from what I've seen so far which is admittedly very little. Plus he's beautiful.

I currently have ten heads of rotting lettuce in my refrigerator. I've been shopping at the health food store alot lately, and eating alot healthier has been a direct result. I wouldn't want Grocery Boy to see me stocking up on junk like gluten free ice cream and "Save the Rainforest" chocolate bars. Produce is my new best friend.

I encourage you all to start "crushing" immediately. Don't stop at the grocery store. Yoga classes, tennis courts, hiking trails, Weight Watchers meetings, and colon hydrotherapy clinics everywhere abound with crushing material.

Directions: Find a crush, and visit at least once daily.

Warning: Side effects may include heart palpitations, queasiness, loss of judgement, intense chest pains, profuse sweating, hallucinations and feelings of "flying," excessive giddiness, and blabbering like a drunken fool.

Caution: Do not drive or operate heavy machinery while under the influence of your crush.


  1. Haha, hilarious! Good advice! Also you could develop a crush at places where there are also unhealthy options and then you would be deterred from ordering the triple bacon cheeseburger with chili cheese fries and milkshake for fear of looking like a fat ass :D

  2. You are a hilarious blogger! And very innovative. Not sure my wife would go for it, but if it's working for you, go for it!

  3. Great idea, maybe I'm just not looking or more probably they are all way to young for me, but I've not seen anything to crush on! I better look around a little closer as I think this is a fabulous idea! :)

  4. I remember when I was in love for the first time. I couldn't eat for the first time in my life! Unfortunately, it never happened again. Anyway, I'd love to use this technique, but I think my husband would have a problem with it. LOL You are hilarious and I am totally enjoying following your blog!

  5. LMAO! I very nearly spewed coffee onto my computer screen! Great post, and awesome idea! Umm..wait...probably not a good idea for those of us in a relationship, right? Even for such a good cause as increased weight loss? Hmm...;)

  6. HILARIOUS!! Don't think hubby would like it, but he doesn't need to hear about it, right? ;) I'll have to admit, not a ton of hotties at my store..... Keep us posted!

  7. Oh now when i go to the grocery store today this post is going to come to mind :) I'll be smiling like a fool!

  8. Oooh! I love this post! This is the story of my AM workouts! I have a totallly unrealistic "I've never met him" crush on a guy at the gym - but I love working out some mornings, and I am convinced (not really) that we are making a connection over the treadmills!

  9. I am off to crush Anne Hathaway now :-)

  10. Too funny - I'll have to try crushing, although I doubt my wife would like it. Cheers, Rick

  11. Well this could explain crush works at City BBQ! Dangit...

  12. Grocery boy??? Bet he can bring alot to the table in a relationship. Who knows wher you have the need for a free out of date tomatoe?

  13. How funny you mentioned this! Yesterday, in fact, I came face to face with a crushable at the meat counter at Whole Foods.
    This means two things. I suddenly will need to shop at Whole Foods more often, even though it's quite a drive.
    The higher price than my usual Target visits, will mean I will buy less, which also equals eat less.
    So, it totally works out.

    I joked with my daughter as to why these particular sausages were black? And he says "Blueberries... y'know... antioxidants" and he winks at me - more likely saying, yes, it's weird... but in my mind I decided to believe he thought was I gorgeous despite my long green trenchcoat that makes me resemble a green bean... and obviously my lack of make up and sloppily ponytailed hair that has drastically thinned due to my high medication load, - are all things that DO it for him.

    We'll see - since I plan on returning with hair and make-up done this time ;) hah~!

  14. This is a great post and brought back some great memories. I had a major crush on my grocery clerk and would walk to the store everyday, find some sort of produce and go to his line to check out. I flirted and flirted. When I finally got up enough nerve to ask him out, he wasn't on shift. I learned that he left the store. I was devastated, and heart broken over the little produce babies we would never have together. LOL! Thanks for making me smile tonight.

  15. hahah this is the greatest post I've ever read!! HILARIOUS!! I love it. I want to find a crush today!!!!


Talk to me Harry, tell me all about it!