Stay Fat!!!

In todays world of conflicting information, its hard to know who to believe. Exercise in the morning, exercise at night, no carb, yes carb, no fat, eat fat to lose fat! Its exhausting. So just in case you weren't confused enough already, I've decided to highlight some of the often overlooked benefits of staying fat:

• Insulation- This extra layer keeps you warm in winter, and extra warm in summer. Save money on coats, jackets, etc just by maintaining this extra layer. Extra helpful if you are homeless or live in Antarctica.
• Privacy- Looking less than your best is a great way to keep stalkers at bay. Need an extra boost? Try being mean as well.
• Less Clutter- Clean house=clean mind. Big Clothes take up more space in your closet, causing you to own less. Less clutter, and worthless belongings keep you in a peaceful state of mind.
• Super Human Powers- Your size comes with benefits that others cannot ignore. Make donuts, and pastries disappear in seconds! Flatten air mattresses with ease...the possibilities are endless.
• Inspire others- Losing races for being slow allows others to feel good about themselves when they are faster than you. You are making to difference in the world.
• Appearance is Everything- In impoverished countries such as Africa, being fat is a sign of wealth. Take a vacation to Africa and trick people into thinking you are rich as a king.
• Giant Cannonballs- You already have what it takes to become the envy of every ten year old boy at the pool.
• True Friends- Unless you are loaded, they definately like you for you.
• Preferential Treatment- If you are going anywhere fast, people move out of your way.
• Lower Crime Rate- Even if you are not strong, your large stature makes you intimidating to muggers, and unattractive to rapists...unless thats the rapists thing. Then you are a target.
• Amazing Child Rearing Capabilties-Studies show children magically behave better when they know their parent will sit on/smash them when they are naughty.
• Financial Earning Potential- Biggest Loser, eating contests, sumo wrestling, this niche competition market has some pretty sweet prizes.
• World Peace- If other countries have to stop hating Americans for being fat and lazy, they will eventually be forced to realize that they really only hate themselves. Then they may fall into depression, attempt suicide, and leave us alone with the chinese who outnumber us by alot.
• Mobile Food Storage- If a giant meteor strikes the earth tomorrow and kills all plants and animals, and everyone is too grossed out to resort to cannibalism, you will have enough "food storage" to become the last man standing (total world domination).

It is very clear to me that being fat is a valid life choice, and is good for society. What are your reasons to get skinny?