Saturday, January 22, 2011

Stay Fat!!!

In todays world of conflicting information, its hard to know who to believe. Exercise in the morning, exercise at night, no carb, yes carb, no fat, eat fat to lose fat! Its exhausting. So just in case you weren't confused enough already, I've decided to highlight some of the often overlooked benefits of staying fat:

  • Insulation- This extra layer keeps you warm in winter, and extra warm in summer. Save money on coats, jackets, etc just by maintaining this extra layer. Extra helpful if you are homeless or live in Antarctica.
  • Privacy- Looking less than your best is a great way to keep stalkers at bay. Need an extra boost? Try being mean as well.
  • Less Clutter- Clean house=clean mind. Big Clothes take up more space in your closet, causing you to own less. Less clutter, and worthless belongings keep you in a peaceful state of mind.
  • Super Human Powers- Your size comes with benefits that others cannot ignore. Make donuts, and pastries disappear in seconds! Flatten air mattresses with ease...the possibilities are endless.
  • Inspire others- Losing races for being slow allows others to feel good about themselves when they are faster than you. You are making to difference in the world.
  • Appearance is Everything- In impoverished countries such as Africa, being fat is a sign of wealth. Take a vacation to Africa and trick people into thinking you are rich as a king.
  • Giant Cannonballs- You already have what it takes to become the envy of every ten year old boy at the pool.
  • True Friends- Unless you are loaded, they definately like you for you.
  • Preferential Treatment- If you are going anywhere fast, people move out of your way.
  • Lower Crime Rate- Even if you are not strong, your large stature makes you intimidating to muggers, and unattractive to rapists...unless thats the rapists thing. Then you are a target.
  • Amazing Child Rearing Capabilties-Studies show children magically behave better when they know their parent will sit on/smash them when they are naughty.
  • Financial Earning Potential- Biggest Loser, eating contests, sumo wrestling, this niche competition market has some pretty sweet prizes.
  • World Peace- If other countries have to stop hating Americans for being fat and lazy, they will eventually be forced to realize that they really only hate themselves. Then they may fall into depression, attempt suicide, and leave us alone with the chinese who outnumber us by alot.
  • Mobile Food Storage- If a giant meteor strikes the earth tomorrow and kills all plants and animals, and everyone is too grossed out to resort to cannibalism, you will have enough "food storage" to become the last man standing (total world domination).

It is very clear to me that being fat is a valid life choice, and is good for society. What are your reasons to get skinny?

25 comments:

  1. Giant Cannonballs! I love it! Haha! Great post.

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  2. Danielle. I miss you and always trying to be skinny together. I gained two pounds too. :( oh well a whole new week ahead means all new pounds to lose. :) call me.

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  3. Don't forget that with a little extre fluff, it demands there to b more to love!

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  4. giggle...love this post! xoxoxo

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  5. Oh my goodness! I'm the queen of keeping clean closets/spaces for a clean mind! Yea to finding another who sees the value in it!

    I want to be skinny so I can do what I want in life without carrying extra weight that I don't need!

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  6. ALSO the extra face chub makes us look younger :)))))

    And thanks for stopping by my blog!!

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  7. And when your thighs are huge, they become a place of storage when you drive. Cell phone, cups, credit cards... I can put anything between my thighs while driving and it stays. It's important.

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  8. Thx for stopping by my place! That financial earning potential caught my eye since I am broke! ;-)

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  9. I sincerely enjoy every single one of your posts Danielle. You are fairly hilarious!

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  10. Haha, I had to do a double take on this post. Nicely done!

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  11. Hilarious! Is it wrong to admit that I'm a little bit glad to be extra "insulated" this time of year? :)

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  12. Funny! Very funny I will for sure be bach to check out your blog! Thanks for the laugh!

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  13. Cute - yes, all the extra fat keeps your face smooth and young looking - no wrinkles!

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  14. Haha! I actually have a hand made necklace that says, "Fat People Are Harder to Kidnap". My SIL gave it to me for Xmas, and then says, "I hope you aren't offended..." as an after thought, like she really thought I would be, but gave it to me anyway..?? Still confused by that one.

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  15. Inspire others was AWESOME!!! Thanks for the comment on my blog, happy to find yours!

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  16. You just gave me my first smile of the day :)

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  17. This was an awesome post. And soooo true. But I'd still rather be my skinny new self than my overweight old self! Thanks for all of the laughs!

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  18. Thanks for stopping by livesmilerun. I am new to your blog, but wanted to stop in and say that I really enjoyed this post!
    My kids are my reason to stay healthy.

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  19. I just came across your health and fitness blog. Your article about knowing what health and fitness advice to take or leave was especially interesting. I especially liked your comments about making your own reasons to stay healthy that also work in your existing lifestyle. I am adding you to my favorites. Since you and your readers are interested in health and fitness, we thought you would like to check out our ab workout machine called The AbStand. The AbStand is a full-body workout machine that provides an easy way for you to keep your New Year's resolution! Any feedback would be appreciated as well. Thanks!

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  20. Makes sense to me. I gotta go make some more brownies.

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Talk to me Harry, tell me all about it!