Sunday, January 30, 2011

Grocery Boy

I have developed a new and unorthodox method for losing weight. I called it "crushing." It is simple and effective.  In one out of one case study the sole participant (me) experienced weight loss, increased energy, increased heart rate, and overall contentment and satisfaction after only one dose.

Try it yourself for free! Develop your own customized program by filling in the mad libs below:

Step 1. Develop a crush on the (person of the opposite gender) at the (place where healthy things happen).

Step 2. Return often to stalk  casually chat with the person you are in love and obsessed with interested in.

Simple and effective.

I have developed a crush on the checkout guy at the health food store. He is beautiful and we obviously share some similar interests (organic food anyone?). I knew he was perfect the moment he spoke to me. I was in the produce section looking for cilantro. It was right next to the parsley, and I was studying the two. I grabbed one and took a good whiff of its aroma when I heard his voice, hot and steamy on the back of my neck as he whispered, "parsleys on top, cilantro on bottom." I turned around, and locked eyes with the face behind the voice. Love may be going a bit overboard, but it was definitely infatuation at first sight. He was standing there all sexy and manly with this playful teasing look on his face...I automatically liked him. True to form with guys I like, rather than coming up with something witty or clever to say, I just stood there staring at him with an idiotic grin on my face. Eventually he became uncomfortable and left.

I at least mustered the courage to stand in his line to be checked out. I mean he was ringing up my groceries, not checking out my body (lets be honest, he probably did that too). He asked how I was doing and I responded with a grunt. Its hard to form words in his presence. I left and figured that would be the end of things.

The very next day I went to the grocery store at the very same time. He was there (what a coincidence). But thats not the best part...he remembered me!!! I wasn't sure he would (and partially hoped he didn't considering my first impression) but when I got to the checkout line he asked "No gym today?" (I had been wearing my gym clothes yesterday). "No" I said. Then I realized I needed to give him a bit more to go off of. "Not today." Crap! I failed again.  I am usually a great conversationalist but this guy is getting the best of me. I eventually pulled myself together and ended with a cool "Have a nice day."

Grocery Boy is awesome. He works at the health food store, so he must be health conscious. He is obviously smart as he know his herbs, and recognizes faces. And he's got an amazing personality from what I've seen so far which is admittedly very little. Plus he's beautiful.

I currently have ten heads of rotting lettuce in my refrigerator. I've been shopping at the health food store alot lately, and eating alot healthier has been a direct result. I wouldn't want Grocery Boy to see me stocking up on junk like gluten free ice cream and "Save the Rainforest" chocolate bars. Produce is my new best friend.

I encourage you all to start "crushing" immediately. Don't stop at the grocery store. Yoga classes, tennis courts, hiking trails, Weight Watchers meetings, and colon hydrotherapy clinics everywhere abound with crushing material.

Directions: Find a crush, and visit at least once daily.

Warning: Side effects may include heart palpitations, queasiness, loss of judgement, intense chest pains, profuse sweating, hallucinations and feelings of "flying," excessive giddiness, and blabbering like a drunken fool.

Caution: Do not drive or operate heavy machinery while under the influence of your crush.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Stay Fat!!!

In todays world of conflicting information, its hard to know who to believe. Exercise in the morning, exercise at night, no carb, yes carb, no fat, eat fat to lose fat! Its exhausting. So just in case you weren't confused enough already, I've decided to highlight some of the often overlooked benefits of staying fat:

  • Insulation- This extra layer keeps you warm in winter, and extra warm in summer. Save money on coats, jackets, etc just by maintaining this extra layer. Extra helpful if you are homeless or live in Antarctica.
  • Privacy- Looking less than your best is a great way to keep stalkers at bay. Need an extra boost? Try being mean as well.
  • Less Clutter- Clean house=clean mind. Big Clothes take up more space in your closet, causing you to own less. Less clutter, and worthless belongings keep you in a peaceful state of mind.
  • Super Human Powers- Your size comes with benefits that others cannot ignore. Make donuts, and pastries disappear in seconds! Flatten air mattresses with ease...the possibilities are endless.
  • Inspire others- Losing races for being slow allows others to feel good about themselves when they are faster than you. You are making to difference in the world.
  • Appearance is Everything- In impoverished countries such as Africa, being fat is a sign of wealth. Take a vacation to Africa and trick people into thinking you are rich as a king.
  • Giant Cannonballs- You already have what it takes to become the envy of every ten year old boy at the pool.
  • True Friends- Unless you are loaded, they definately like you for you.
  • Preferential Treatment- If you are going anywhere fast, people move out of your way.
  • Lower Crime Rate- Even if you are not strong, your large stature makes you intimidating to muggers, and unattractive to rapists...unless thats the rapists thing. Then you are a target.
  • Amazing Child Rearing Capabilties-Studies show children magically behave better when they know their parent will sit on/smash them when they are naughty.
  • Financial Earning Potential- Biggest Loser, eating contests, sumo wrestling, this niche competition market has some pretty sweet prizes.
  • World Peace- If other countries have to stop hating Americans for being fat and lazy, they will eventually be forced to realize that they really only hate themselves. Then they may fall into depression, attempt suicide, and leave us alone with the chinese who outnumber us by alot.
  • Mobile Food Storage- If a giant meteor strikes the earth tomorrow and kills all plants and animals, and everyone is too grossed out to resort to cannibalism, you will have enough "food storage" to become the last man standing (total world domination).

It is very clear to me that being fat is a valid life choice, and is good for society. What are your reasons to get skinny?

Friday, January 21, 2011

Weighing In

I had my weekly weigh in this Wednesday, and it seems I have started a trend. Just like last week, I am up on the poundage. Also just like last week, at least it was muscle:) That was a fake smile. I really don't like seeing the number on the scale go up for any reason, muscle or otherwise. Nevertheless it is what it is. I have been very faithful with my workouts and I will just have to keep on plugging along.

The one thing I don't understand is that even though I've been gaining muscle, I am not burning fat. Whats up with that? Isn't gaining muscle supposed to help you burn MORE fat? Apparently my muscle is of swiss descent because it insists on remaining neutral. I'm screaming "Attack! Attack!" and its sipping tea and cohabitating with my lifelong enemy.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Healthy Girls Kitchen--I'll eat what she's cookin

Wendy at Healthy Girls Kitchen holds a special place in my heart because she was my first real follower. By "real" I mean that: 1. I did not stand over her shoulder and instruct her step by step how to follow my blog, 2. I did not call her relentlessly and nag her until she followed my blog, and 3. I do not actually know her in "real" life.

Other than her obvious good taste in friends and blogs, she also knows her stuff on books, vegan recipes, and other cool and healthy junk. If you don't have the funds for a therapist, personal chef, or dietician, Healthy Girls Kitchen is twice as nice without the price.

When I saw that she had made some delicious and healthy Banana-Maple Oatmeal Vegan Cookies (which she found on this blog), I naturally had to have one for myself. And I did. It was Amazing.

 And then I had another....




                       And another.....

And I may have had three more after that:)

VEGAN cookies? Sounds fishy, I know. Some people in my apartment (Edgar, Ross, ahem) were not so sure these cookies would be good. Some people even had to be bribed with the promise of real cookies in order to even TRY the vegan cookies. And Those people would like Healthy Girls Kitchen to know they are sorry for ever doubting her impeccable taste, and they would also to like you readers to know that these cookies get two thumbs up for tasty deliciousness.

Would you like to get your mouth on some of these?

Step 1: Get the Recipe. Be sure to check out other recipes from Fat Free Vegan Kitchen. They are all Fat free... and Vegan. Nice.

Step 2: Check out Healthy Girls Kitchen's post for a delicious twist. Chocolate chips instead of raisins? Oh yes.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Six Pack in Six Sec or Less!!!

I needed to look ab fab in five min flat for a party where there could be potential future boyfriends. It was too late to do the master cleanse, and the diuretics were getting difficult to swallow. I was running out of saliva and time when I came across this video!

Click to see amazing video

If this fails, and cash flow is not an issue, its time to invest in a pair of spanx.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

I'm Chunky

Some people have more self confidence than me. This girl is one of them. She is funny too, so naturally I like her.

I'm Chunky Music Video

 Just don't get too excited by her pastries.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Losing It

I just might lose my mind before I lose this extra poundage. Today was tough for me. I had my weekly weigh in yesterday, and I'm extremely upset. I gained two pounds.

This should not upset me. My doctor told me I gained two pounds of muscle, and lost a half pound of fat. So overall, its more of a success.  But it doesn't FEEL like success. I feel like I got fatter. The needle moved up when it should have gone down. Grr! I want a brownie. The reasonable part of my brain tells me I should be happy. Gaining muscle is good. The other less logical part of my brain only cares about the number on the scale. And that number is bad! Worse than last week, which means that all of my hard work was for nothing.

Not to mention, I'm starting to question the accuracy of this doctors technology. I did alot of cardio this week but skipped the lunges so exactly how did I get these two pounds of "muscle?"Conspiracy!

I'm starting to feel like a bi-polar nutcase, and I'm in the mood for some chocolate therapy.

Thursday, January 13, 2011


If I could laugh my ass off in the literal sense Emails From an Asshole would be the only way to go. Oh the poundage I could lose...This is seriously the funniest book I've ever read! The book has absolutely nothing to do with weight loss except that I read it on the treadmill the other day. You can't do any heavy reading mid workout anyway, so this is light, and captivating all at once.

Basically, the author, John Lindsay pranks unsuspecting idiots on Craigs List.  For a sample, check out the Best Of section on his site. My personal fav is when he destroys this "down ass chick's" hopes of catching a ride: Ha Ha larious!

Even the FAQ section on his site is laugh worthy reading.

This book is so good that after only two days of it laying around my apartment, it has now been read by my roommate, her boyfriend, her little brother and some random guy from a party we had. None of these people read on a regular basis, especially party boy.

I suspect John Lindsay is ugly because I couldn't find one single picture of him online, but I decided to make a move anyway. I like funny guys, and this ones a gem so I had to see if there's any romantic potential between us. I wrote him the following email:

Subject: John Lindsay, its your Homegirl Ramones Girl (this is a spin-off of a joke from his book)

I have a crush on you because you are so funny. No, I am not playing your trick on you. I seriously have a crush. Are you by chance hot?  Where do you live? Your website is hilarious, but not very informative. You should reply to me.

Also, do you really only make 12k a year from your site? Cause I am thinking of doing something similar, but I prefer to make more so maybe I should direct my talents elsewhere. I am not a gold digger trying to find out how much you make. Just a fellow entrepreneur trying to make a buck. If you give me good advice, maybe someday I can be your sugar mama.

Have a nice day;)


I really hope he replies. Hopefully he doesn't think I'm lame for using his own joke on him (homegirl, ramonesgirl). If he is one of those guys who thinks he is funny, it will be ok. But if he is posessive of his jokes he could think I am trying to steal his brain or something. Unless he steals his own jokes, in which case he could let his source slip and I could hit on that person instead. Cross your fingers that I will land this jokester and achieve something higher than just groupie status;)

In the meantime, maximize your treadmill time! Read Emails From an Asshole for an ab workout you won't soon recover from.  If you have not yet clicked on the previous links, now is the time to go to

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

I like to Move it Move it

Music is an exercise essential. I find it hard to find good stuff that keeps me moving so I've compiled a list of my favs for your listening pleasure. If you are in the giving mood, leave a comment with your additions. If you are thinking of suggesting Eye of the Tiger, you are officially uninvited to comment on this post. I want good music. Nuff said.

1. Catch My Disease by Ben Lee--This is the ultimate pick me up song. You cannot listen to it, and not get happy and energized asap. Its cool and easygoing, perfect for a warm up to get you upbeat, and get the blood flowing.

2. The Captain by Biffy Clyro-- Heard this song for the first time recently at an open mic. Loved it. If you haven't heard it yet, download now.

3. F**k You by Cee Lo Green--This song is so angry and upbeat at the same time. The only thing better than saying F**k you to someone who screwed you over is saying it with a smile. Go Cee Lo. And for the younger ears, you can get the edited version, Forget You.

4. Better Than Revenge by Taylor Swift-- Taylor is my homegirl and we will be tight one day when I am famous too. Until then, this lesser known song of hers is one of my favs.

5. Take Me For Who I Am from the Musical Rent--I prefer the movie soundtrack version to the original broadway cast, but either way, this song is gutsy, sexy, and everything else a good workout song should be.

6.  In Exile by Thrice--Potentially one of my fav songs of all time. Thrice is awesome, and so is this song.

7. Paris (Ooh La La) by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals--Just discovered her, but I like it so far.

8. The First Single (You Know Me) by The Format-- The Format is my fav band of all time, and I frequently have their entire albums on my workout list, but this is one of the better songs for the intended purpose.

9. Give It Up by The Format-- I just really like this song.

10. Ive Just Seen a Face from Across the Universe soundtrack-- No play list is complete without the Beatles. This song is easy to fall in love with.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Put down the cookie!

The cookie is calling to me. I want it so badly. Its been so long since I had a cookie. Ok, not that long but this cookie is extra delicious. Its not just any cookie. It has reeses peanut butter cups in it. I LOVE peanut butter. And its fresh out of the oven. It would be such a shame to let it cool off and lose its gooey goodness. 

I ate the cookie. It was delicious. But not worth it. The cookie is never worth it.
Put down the cookie.
Photo courtesty:

Monday, January 10, 2011

Cheaters Never Prosper...

I personally believe in "cheating." On a diet of course. If I can't enjoy sweets, and fat, and white carbs and all those other "bad" foods every once in a while I tend to fall off the wagon and pig out so I've decided not to fight it and let loose every once in a while.

Yesterday was my cheat day, and as such I really wanted to make the most of it. My two roomies and I decided to go out to lunch all together for the first time since moving in over a year ago. It was a monumentous occasion for the three of us to be together at once, and we deemed it our Sex and the City lunch. We were going to talk about men and fashion and eat whatever we wanted while remaining extremely attractive just like on TV. I wore my best shoes to make it count. 

So we got to the restaurant and after practically inhaling two loaves of garlic bread, the waiter finally showed up. It was a sports bar, and apparently it was very loud because the waiter couldn't hear anything I said. Our conversation:

Me: I want the orange chicken, but can you trade the rice for mashed potatoes or vegetables or something? (I don't like rice. I like potatoes. I wanted something good for my cheat day goshdarnit!)
Him: The orange chicken doesn't come with rice.
Me: What does it come with?
Him: It doesn't come with any sides. 
Me: Oh, I must have just imagined the rice. (orange chicken=asian food=rice, its conceivable)
Him: Oh you want fries?
Me: No.
Him: ________________ (confused look)
Me: Its cool, just give me the orange chicken.

 Our food came. Mine had rice. Go figure.

Normally this would be a small deal. But this is the only day of the week that I can eat mashed potatoes, and I'm also poor and tired, so I don't want to buy them at another restaurant, and I definitely do not want to make them myself! Is it so much to ask to have a waiter who knows that all orange chicken comes with rice regardless of where you get it, and is it so hard then for him to get rid of the rice and give me some deliciously creamy buttery garlic mashed potatoes? For the love of all things delicious what has happened to my cheat day?!?!

No matter, I certainly made up for it later.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

5 week weigh In

Its time for my first progress report! The results are in, and they are good;)

The initial doctor visit to take my measurements was horrible. How did I let it get this bad, How did I not notice, How long will I try before I finally lose weight, were only a few of the thoughts on my mind.

Fortunately, I started working right away. I've been exercising, and eating healthier for five weeks now, and it shows!

Dec 1, 2010 (before)
Jan 5, 2011 (now)
End Goal
-7 lbs
135 lbs
37 in
34 ¾ in
-2 ¼ in
43 in
40 ¼ in
-2 ¾ in
14 in
12 ¾ in
-1 ¼ in
25 in
22 ½ in
-2 ½ in

Its so good to see that I am actually improving. Some days, I felt like I was getting nowhere but I stuck with it. Some days, I still feel like I've gotten nowhere, but the numbers don't lie. I highly recommend taking measurements, along with before and after pictures. For those wondering what I've been doing, here are the details:

Exercise: I wanted to start out slowly so I wouldn't give up quickly. All I did was cardio five days a week. Usually the elliptical (I have bad knees), or jogging. My goal each workout was to burn 500-700 calories. Usually this means 45 min to an hour of cardio. Then I did squats and lunges once a week (they make me super sore) Lunges- 3 sets of ten on each side. Squats- 2 sets of fifteen jumping squats. And thats all. I plan to increase my routine as I go.

Diet: I made an effort but I cheated alot. Christmas, and New Years I gorged myself, along with the days before and after. I mainly made a conscious effort to eat far less sugar. I replaced candy bars and cookies with apples and pomegrantes. Most meals consisted of chicken with vegetables. Yum! The healthier I ate, the more I noticed I didn't even crave unhealthy food.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

12 Races 12 mos/Fools Run

How did I get this crazy idea? Oh yes I remember, Alaska.

In 2009 I had the awesomest job in the world: Zipline tour guide in Juneau Alaska. I also had some pretty sweet co-workers who decided to compete in The Fools Run. Only Fools Run At Midnight is an annual race celebrating Alaska's statehood. If you didn't guess already it takes place at midnight, and its a pretty epic event. Everyone who runs wears a costume (no theme, just "costume"). Any race that involves people dressed up and running around like crazy people at midnight is glorious and not to be missed.

To make things better, you could compete as an individual or as a "centipede." Centipedes not only run together, but must be connected to each other by their costumes. So the Alaska Zipline Adventure employees thrifty as we were, wore our work t-shirts, zipline helmets, and harnesses. We tied ourselves together by the lanyards on our harnesses to create a 9 person centipede. We were a mix of all genders, body types, and fitness levels.

Running a 5k tied to nine other people is crazy! Some people wanted to jog, some people wanted to win, I just wanted to come out unscathed. As long as I wasn't the one holding up the group, I would be happy.

We started the race at a dead run, surrounded by crowds of crazily dressed racers. As the race thinned out towards the middle, some people (boys) wanted to pick up the pace. Easy for their six foot four bodies in amazing shape to do! Apparently, the whole "you are only as fast as your slowest runner," concept does not apply to people tied together, nor does it register in the mind of an adrenaline charged man mid race. Each of the boys would take turns disconnecting their harness from the group, running to the front of the line, and literally pulling the group at the fastest pace they could maintain. It was terrifying, and exhilarating, and super fun. We ended up with a pretty decent time at the end (I forgot it now) especially considering the fact that nine people were tied together. The only downside of the night was that we lost to a guy dressed as an Extra Tuff. For those not fluent in Alaskan, this means he was dressed up as a giant brown rubber boot. Losing to him was not our proudest moment. But we did have an awesome night, and even landed ourselves in the local newspaper (grandma would be so proud).

The other day while reminiscing I remembered this race and the good ol days, and thought "time for a repeat." Thus the seed of my resolution was born. Twelve races, Twelve months.

Its the perfect way to keep things fun, and keep things moving. The training part will help me accomplish my weight loss goal, and the longevity (12 months) should help me maintain my goal weight once achieved.

Friday, January 7, 2011

SMART goals

Motivational tapes, Sunday school, and all kinds of corporate training tools agree that your goals should be SMART. Specific. Measurable. Achievable. Realistic. Timely.

So I've come up with my own goals, including tips on how I made them "SMARTer"

And So It Begins

This is my first post. Yay! I suppose I should start with some background as to how this blog came about:

This is not the first time I've tried to lose weight, and it will likely not be the last. I guess I just figured I should try something new.  And here it is. I plan to document my entire weight loss process right here for your reading pleasure. Hopefully, the fear of looking like an incompetent, unmotivated loser for all the world to see will keep me on track for once...